Viggo Mortensen (mortensen) wrote in lotr_slash,
Viggo Mortensen

Hear that? It's the sound of my world crashing around my ears..

(Craig and Viggo dealing with Orlando running off...PG)

Viggo Rising (18:26:19): *I wake up feeling worse than when I drifted off. Wait...when did I drift off? One minute I was laying next to Craig, talking quietly with him and the next thing I know I'm alone in bed and feeling worse than I have in a long time. I'm stiff and sore and well, drugs are looking better than they did even a few hours ago. So where is Craig? How did I sleep through that...Orlando must have come back, they are probably downstairs. After a severe lack of motivation crisis, I manage to get out of bed, groaning with the effort. Splashing some water on my face, I head downstairs.*

"Craig? Orlando?"

CraigyBaby01 (18:27:16): *staring out into space, eyes unfocused, fingers gripping the note tight*

Viggo Rising (18:29:27): *When I get no answer, I frown. Where are they? It's way too quiet...Then I see Craig. He's in his corner and my mind immediately thinks the worse. Has Barry been here?* Craig? *I rush forward, kneeling next to him. I see he's clutching something and take it gently from his grasp. Reading the note in the dim light, I feel my world spin apart.* Oh god...Orlando...what did you do...

CraigyBaby01 (18:31:01): *blinking a little, still not quite with it* He doesn't want me...he left.

Viggo Rising (18:32:55): No, it's not that baby--I don't think it's that at all.... *I wrap my arms around Craig and pull him to me, stroking his hair*

CraigyBaby01 (18:38:53): *rocking a little in your arms, head buries in your chest* but he left me...he /must/ hate me.

Viggo Rising (18:40:37): No, he loves us--I know he does. Look at the letter, he just...he's confused. We'll find him and we'll fix this. *He left me too...but I don't say that, Craig's the fragile one right now. He knows, I don't need to say it*

CraigyBaby01 (18:41:54): Why does everything bad happen to me? I was so happy last week...I knew it couldn't last.

Viggo Rising (18:42:39): It's not over, we'll get him back Craig. Just stay with me, okay? You'll be happy again, we'll be happy again. *I stroke my fingers through his hair, closing my eyes. How could Orlando not see how badly Craig needed him?*

CraigyBaby01 (18:44:41): *shaking my head a little, ignoring the world tring to spin around me, moving back a little, looking at you with saddened eyes* I don't understand.

Viggo Rising (18:45:46): *I sigh, hating that look in your eyes, touching your face* Neither do I, and I'd wager neither does he.

CraigyBaby01 (18:47:43): So why did he leave me...*eyes widen a little, hand on your chest digging in*, why?

Viggo Rising (18:48:52): I don't know... *But yeah, I do. I know don't I? It's my fault really, isn't it?* But we'll find out and we'll make it right

CraigyBaby01 (18:49:49): *mouth feeling dry, chest feeling empty* where would he go? his house?

Viggo Rising (18:57:27): I have a feeling he's gone further than that

CraigyBaby01 (18:59:06): *frowning, swallowing, rubbing my eyes, looking all crumpled, like a small child*

Viggo Rising (19:00:06): *I kiss your lips lightly, not sure what else to do. We need to find Orlando, I know that--but I'm not sure where to start, or that we should. Maybe we should give him a few days space before we try to track him down*

CraigyBaby01 (19:03:18): maybe we should go check his house...or...*chest panging* or the airport.

Viggo Rising (19:04:15): We can check his house if you like, and the airport. But Craig...we might just need to give him a few days. *It paiins me to say it, I want to see him right now, damnit. And I'm going to wring his scrawny little neck when I see hima gain!*

CraigyBaby01 (19:05:19): days? I...No! now. I wanna find him now...*panic starting, ribs aching from my deep breathing* need him...

Viggo Rising (19:07:15): Alright, it's okay, just calm down, please baby. You're going to hurt yourself. We'll get dressed and we'll go check his house. We'll check his house and go from there.

CraigyBaby01 (19:09:42): *nodding, trying to calm myself, hands patting on you absentmindedly* okay...just...just need him.

Viggo Rising (19:10:59): I know...I need him too... *I'm breaking inside, but I know I can't. Not yet, not now. I stand up, helping Craig up* Come on love...

CraigyBaby01 (19:15:34): *standing, holding onto you, noticing the bruises on my arms are starting to fade, still not comfortable with looking at myself*

Viggo Rising (19:16:28): *I help get you changed and change myself. I so hope we can find Orlando at his house, but I know he's not there. I can just feel it inside. We'll be lucky if he's still in New Zealand.* Ready love?

CraigyBaby01 (19:18:07): *holding myself up against a wardrobe door* yeah, all dressed. *looking over to you* I'm sorry, I'm not up to much still.

Viggo Rising (19:19:09): It's alright, you dont' have to apologise. *I touch your face gently, expression gentle. Before we head out, I take a few more Ibuprofen, knowing it's the strongest I can really take at the moment. I help you into the car, arms around you*

CraigyBaby01 (19:20:59): *sitting carefully in the car, buckling myself up, thinking how odd it is to be out again after having been cooped up inside* okay, lets go.

Viggo Rising (19:21:33): *I nod, starting the car and pulling out of the driveway* I...I don't even know where he lives, do you?

CraigyBaby01 (19:24:26): Orli? Yeah, I went there...*I went there the night after I fucked you, the first night I ever stayed anywhere ALL night* ...I've been there before, take the third right on bella drive, it's down on the right.

Viggo Rising (19:25:32): Alright *I follow your directions, not really sure what to say at this point. Wondering what's going to happen if we can't get Orlando to come back. I grip the steering wheel hard, finally taking one hand off of it to take yours*

CraigyBaby01 (19:26:50): *gripping you hand tight, probably too tight but right now I just need to* we will find him...we have to Viggo, we just have to.

Viggo Rising (19:27:42): I know *My voice is quiet as I pull into the driveway of Orlando's house* We will, we'll find him

CraigyBaby01 (19:29:16): *opening the passenger door, moving slowly to get out*

Viggo Rising (19:29:32): *I get out, moving over to give you a hand, looking up at Orlando's house with a sigh *

CraigyBaby01 (19:35:03): *getting out, but dropping your arms to walk up the path, wanting to do something useful by myself, walking onto the porch*

Viggo Rising (19:35:44): *I follow after you, letting you have your space if you need it. I ask myself what happens if Orlando won't come home?*

CraigyBaby01 (19:38:34): *walking up to the door, resting on it and ringing the bell, not sure of what use it'll be, staring down as something catches my eye* Viggo?

Viggo Rising (19:39:06): *I had been standing back a few feet, leaning on the railiing, feeling very old, when I hear you say my name. Looking up, I step forward* What is it?

CraigyBaby01 (19:39:55): *hardly breathing, pointing downwards* note, I can't bend with this straping on.

Viggo Rising (19:40:37): I"ve got it *I reach down stiffly to pick up the piece of paper, almost afraid to unfold it*

CraigyBaby01 (19:43:35): *looking over to you, anxiety on my face* want me to read it?

Viggo Rising (19:45:42): *I'm shaken out of my frozen state, shaking my head* I'll read it..... *And so I do, skimming it and feeling my heart sink even further. This is my fault...I knew something was wrong today when we had talked, I should have pushed harder, I never should have left it at that...why did I leave it at that?*

"I love you. I really love you both so much. But I don't have a place here. Viggo, you're the strong one, and Craig, you really need that, and need him. And I can't give you enough, and I'm taking part of him, when I have no right or reason to. I don't need looking after. I'm fine.
And I get everything wrong. I'm never there when I should be. I'm just someone you feel you have to keep out of sight so I don't get hurt. Well I havnt gotten hurt, I've just hurt other people and I hate myself for it. I hate that Viggo wont show how he feels in case I get upset. I hate that I can't be as strong for Craig as I should be.
I hate all the masks. I hate acting when I'm with you. I hate letting you down.
And I love you. So I have to go so you can get better and be happy. Thats all I want.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."

*I fold the note again, nearly crushing it in my hand, my chest too heavy. I can't breathe and I feel like I could cry, but nothing comes.*

CraigyBaby01 (19:46:56): Oh god! he's wrong. We need him...why can't he see that?

Viggo Rising (19:48:36): *I know I should step forward, and wrap my arms around you and tell you how everything is going to be okay. I don't though, I can't. I slide into a sitting position, leaning against the railing, feeling numb*

CraigyBaby01 (19:51:34): Oh poor Viggo. *dropping almost painfully to my hands and knees, crawling the few paces to you, arms wrapping around you, comforting you* It's okay Viggo. I'm here, let it go love, let it all go.

Viggo Rising (19:54:02): *I don't react when you wrap your arms around me at first, I just can't make my body move. My eyes close and still no tears come.* This is my fault, I saw it happening and I didn't do anything. He left because of me.

CraigyBaby01 (20:22:21): No, not you Viggo. Please don't say that love. Please. *just wanting you to react better than this, to stop keeping it all in* you can't be responsible for everything love...please.

Viggo Rising (20:26:01): He basically said it was because of me, Craig. He thinks I don't..... *My voice breaks and I finally bring my arms up to return your embrace*

CraigyBaby01 (20:27:23): *gripping you as hard as I can* What? tell me Viggo, Please don't keep it in like this.

Viggo Rising (20:28:56): *I don't want to, I don't want to let it all out--I should be the one comforting you right now, instead it's you with your arms around me. It just hurts so much* He thinks I don't need him, that I don't trust him, that he's not good enough. That's my fault.

CraigyBaby01 (20:31:06): Why Viggo? *christ this love stuff is hard to get a grip on, it's so confusing* Why would you think that, he loves you.

Viggo Rising (20:35:29): It's what he said, because I keep things in, I think you two aren't good enough...I should have known better when he tried to act like things were fine...

CraigyBaby01 (20:42:06): Oh Viggo. but...*pulling back a little, hand cupping your face, resting my forehead against yours* you are keeping things in, you don't have to be strong all the time. I don't love you simply because of that. I love you for /you/ for all of you, not just a part of you.

Viggo Rising (20:46:46): I have to be strong though... *I won't meet your eyes now, looking down at my hands, though I don't pull away* Especially now...

CraigyBaby01 (20:48:11): why? you don't have to be anything but what you want to be... You told me that last week, You made me believe it.

Viggo Rising (20:49:50): *I sigh, damnit, him turning my own words back around on me. I'm still not sure what choice I have in this though...but still, that's not true either, we always have choices* Because it's what you need

CraigyBaby01 (20:55:37): No. What I need is /you/ only you. not something you pretend to be

Viggo Rising (20:56:20): It's not an act... *And it's not, not really. I guess it's just like Orlando though, we all have masks...*

CraigyBaby01 (21:01:19): but it's not really you. *sighing, leaning back a little* I love you. And I love you for you. not because you're all big and butch and manly or whatever. your strength comes from who you are not what you are.

Viggo Rising (21:03:36): *I run my hands through my hair* I'm exhausted and I hurt and I feel like I've driven off the best thing that's ever happened to me... *I finally meet your eyes* One of them, the other one is sitting in front of me and I should be comforting you not the other way around.

CraigyBaby01 (21:06:53): So act exhasted and hurt, don't try and cover it up some mask. And I've lived a long time with no comfort at all, I'm sure I can live without it, and right now I want to be comforting you. *small smile* 'cept you don't want to seem to let me.

Viggo Rising (21:10:49): *I smile tiredly, a small smile, but a smile. I lay my head on your shoulder, embracing you again* I love you...

CraigyBaby01 (21:19:07): *cherishing the smile. It's not exactly what I want to see but at least it is an emotion* I do love you. and I never really understood what love was...well. you want to know when I first started falling for you?

Viggo Rising (21:20:42): *I shift, trying to get more comfortable--it's not really going to happen I realise, hurts too much. I shift a bit though, in your arms, holding him close as he holds me. I nod though at his question, I'd very much like to know* I'd love to know....

CraigyBaby01 (21:24:16): that day, on the rug, with the camera. it wasn't even the sex though *blushing slightly* that was more than fantastic. It was afterwards, when He called, all I could see in your eyes was how much you wanted to stay, just to hold me or whatever. And I was so scared by what I saw, because I knew I actualy wanted it too, and I'd never thought that with anyone else before.

Viggo Rising (21:26:18): *I touch your face, cupping it gently, looking into your eyes, searching* It's not my style you know? Going over just to shag someone...I did want to stay... *I kiss your lips lightly, still cupping your face* And we'll make things right

CraigyBaby01 (21:31:34): *kissing you back, gentle and light* where do we go from here Viggo?

Viggo Rising (21:35:13): I... *I break off, that's a good question. Okay, okay--what DO we do?* I'm not sure. Obviously he's not in New Zealand, he's left. So, we find out where he might have gone. He says he'll call when he knows where he is. We can maybe wait for that, count on that--or we can try and find him first.

CraigyBaby01 (21:38:25): I think...I think we should go home, and phone the airport. *shrugs* they might be able to tell us something.

Viggo Rising (21:40:10): It's a place to start. We'll go home and call them and start there, and see if we can't find something out... *I still feel guilty, responsible for this, and I know if I ever do let go, it won't be pretty. I just can't yet, no matter what you had said, if I fall apart I'm not sure I"ll be able to pull it together enough quickly enough to do what we need to do.*

CraigyBaby01 (21:47:29): Okay, lets go home love. *wishing you really would let it all go, paining me really to see you like this, I've been mostly out of it for the past few days and I really didn't notice till today how much you seem not to be yourself*

Viggo Rising (21:52:05): *I get to my feet, helping you up as well, hugging you close for a moment. And then there's still the matter of Barry...if he comes back....I try to put that out of my mind. One crisis at a time.*

CraigyBaby01 (21:56:35): *we almost help each other get to the car, my mind still reeling from everything that's gone on today, drugs still clinging to the recceses of my mind, leaning on the car as I open the door*

Viggo Rising (22:06:10): *I stop you before you get in, taking your face in my hands again* We'll be fine, Craig. No matter what

CraigyBaby01 (22:08:25): *I just want to believe too, want to so very much* I hope so...trully I do.

Viggo Rising (22:09:03): I'll be here, no matter what happens. And we'll make Orlando understand this is where he belongs--it's where he wants to be. His letters said as much

CraigyBaby01 (22:10:15): *nodding, a little of the ache lifting from my heart* he loves us, and we love him...I just hope it's enough.

Viggo Rising (22:10:57): So do I *No need to tell him it will be, I know it's not always enough* But, if it's not, we'll still be fine.

CraigyBaby01 (22:12:40): *placing my hands over yours, not even wanting to think about the last part of your sentance* lets go hom, go find him.

Viggo Rising (22:13:25): Yes *I open the door for you, making sure you get in and settled, before closing the door gently. Moving around to the driver's side, I get in, starting the car*

CraigyBaby01 (22:20:36): *sagging slightly against the door of the car, orli's note in my hand, reading and re-reading it in almost disbeleif*

Viggo Rising (22:21:09): I'm going to wring his neck when he does come home *I have to say something to break the silence, gripping the steering wheel hard again*

CraigyBaby01 (22:22:12): *snapping my head up, ignoring the world swirling when it does* Please don't say that. he's just confused...

Viggo Rising (22:24:17): Yes, he is--and he should have come to us before he went running off like a scared rabbit. *I sigh, I wouldn't really strangle him, but I'm just so frustrated by what's happened, I love him so much--I have for so long...*

CraigyBaby01 (22:25:22): he didn't do it to hurt us. you know that right?

Viggo Rising (22:25:53): Yes, I do know that *And I do, I know he loves us. I know he thinks he's doing what's best, but that doesn't make it okay*

CraigyBaby01 (22:30:40): *sighing as my house comes in sight, as we pull up into the driveway, figiting to get inside*

Viggo Rising (22:32:01): *Before I unlock the car doors, I look around to make sure we're alone. When I'm certain we are, I click the lock and go around to help Craig, keys to the house already in my hand* I do believe it Craig, I know he meant well.

CraigyBaby01 (22:36:22): *walking into the house, already feeling weary beyond belief* why didn't he tell us? talk to us? he just....left.

Viggo Rising (22:37:59): I'd like to say because he knew we wouldn't let him go. But if he did know that, then why would he want to leave in the first place? I just...I don't know. I feel guilty though, like I failed somehow. *I shake my head* Tea, would you like some tea? You look tired...

CraigyBaby01 (22:41:55): Green tea would be just lovely Viggo. Thank-you. *walking into the living room, looking at the sofa but deciding to curl up on the rug instead, hoping the memories will help me*

Viggo Rising (22:43:17): *I move into the kitchen, trying to feel useful--this I'm used to, taking care of things, taking care of you. Maybe I won't have to think if I can just do this. I put the water on to boil, but go back out--not wanting to leave you alone. I find you laying on the rug and sit down behind you, stroking your hair*

CraigyBaby01 (22:45:26): *blinking up at you, face sad, still not quite understanding all of this. hand reaching out to stroke your leg, wishing I could comfort you more* I feel so helpless.

Viggo Rising (22:47:51): *I lean down, kissing the side of your face gently* So do I, and I hate feeling helpless.

CraigyBaby01 (22:50:06): isn't there anything I can do? for you? I mean...I got you into all this mess. all this hurt.

Viggo Rising (22:52:36): You didn't get me into anything. I made my choices, it's not your fault. And I don't want to be anywhere else, I don't regret any of it. Well, that's not exactly true. I regret the other night, when he was here--I should have been able to stop it from going as far as it did. It never should have happened in the first place. Orlando was right, we should have been here. We should have been here for you when you got home. We let you down. I let you down.....

CraigyBaby01 (22:54:45): No...No. I wanted to do that promotional stuff. the play starts next month, I wanted to live a normal life. I made my choice. I got my conciquence. but I didn't want you to get like this. I didn't want to hurt you and no matter how much you try to hide it you are in pain aren't you?

Viggo Rising (22:56:50): Yes, I am *What good will lying about it do? Hiding things, isn't that how we ended up where we were? And so early on....*

CraigyBaby01 (22:57:43): *frowning* show me. let me at least put something on your bruises

Viggo Rising (22:59:06): Alright *I'm too exhausted not to agree at this point. I shift, taking my shirt off--I took as good a beating as I gave really, body and face. My face hurts too. I lean back against the couch, closing my eyes*

CraigyBaby01 (23:01:09): Oh Viggo! My poor love! * sitting carefuly, crawling to the drawer to get the arnica, starting to smear some on the worst of the bruises, kissing them akk before I soothe them* you should have said. I wasn't with it then, I had no idea he got you this badly.

Viggo Rising (23:03:14): It's okay, we were taking care of you, and there was Orlando's hand.... *I shrug lightly, looking down at you as you see to my bruises*

CraigyBaby01 (23:06:01): I should never have let him do this to you...either of you. *kissing a bad bruise on your ribs* I'm so sorry.

Viggo Rising (23:06:32): You didn't *let* him do anything to me, Craig. I don't blame you. And I'll heal....

CraigyBaby01 (23:07:35): I know...but...I still feel guilty. I never realised how fragile love makes you.

Viggo Rising (23:08:14): We all feel guilty *I laugh quietly, then groan* We just have to learn to deal with it and not go running off. In some ways it makes you fragile, in other ways it makes you stronger.

CraigyBaby01 (23:12:09): it does? *curious* how?

Viggo Rising (23:12:55): Aren't you doing things you didn't think you were strong enough to do? Aren't you trying to take your life back? Find out who you really are?

CraigyBaby01 (23:18:56): Yes. I am aren't I! and I never would have thought about doing it...not till you...both of you.

Viggo Rising (23:19:41): So, as you see, it can make you stronger...

CraigyBaby01 (23:22:22): *smiling, rasing my head to look at you* yeah. then I guess it's a good thing, this love.

Viggo Rising (23:23:05): I never doubted it was a good thing. Once we get our wayward elf home though, I want a vacation

CraigyBaby01 (23:27:17): a vacation? what kind of vacation?

Viggo Rising (23:27:59): I don't know yet, but some place we can all relax

Viggo Rising (23:28:12): Even if just for a few days and we aren't telling anyone where we are going

CraigyBaby01 (23:28:41): *smiling* yeah, that sounds just lovely Viggo. but we need to get Orli back first.

Viggo Rising (23:28:56): That's what I said, as soon as we get our wayward elf home

CraigyBaby01 (23:29:55): *looking at the phone, biting the inside of my bottom lip* it just doesn't feel right here...without him.

Viggo Rising (23:31:32): I know baby...let's call the airport though. Maybe...where would he go? London maybe?

CraigyBaby01 (23:32:16): London? well, I suppose that was his home before here, he might have done.

Viggo Rising (23:32:53): It's a place to start.....I'll call if you like, we can see what flights are leaving.....

CraigyBaby01 (23:34:57): *nodding, sitting back on the rug, feet curled up under me, hoping and wishing inside me that he's alright*

Viggo Rising (23:36:50): *I pick up the phone and call the airport. I can't get information if they have him on any of their flights, but I do find out that the only London flight he could have possibly been on hasn't left yet--and none had left in the time frame before that he could have been on. That's a start, right? Thanking the woman, I hang up* If he's on a flight to London, it doesn't leave for another hour and a half. I couldn't find out if he's on it...but...well...let's go to the airport and find out

CraigyBaby01 (23:38:19): *nodding again, hope rising in my chest, please let him be there...please* okay. *smiling* it's gonna be okay...

Viggo Rising (23:38:43): Yes it is *I kiss your lips lightly* I love you and it will be fine

CraigyBaby01 (23:40:52): *licking my lips to savour the taste, handing you your shirt, getting up as fast as I can* yes...yes. it's got to...just got to be.

Viggo Rising (23:41:40): *I get to my feet with a mild wince, putting my shirt back on and grabbing the keys.* Let's go love

CraigyBaby01 (23:44:25): *bitting my lip again, trying not to think to much as I move to the door, open it carefuly then walk outside*
Viggo Rising (23:45:57): *I get you into the car and off we go again--I'm nervous as we head for the airport--wondering what we'll find*
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