We should have been here, been here or gone with him or never let him go. We promised it was over, that he wouldnt get hurt again.
If I were to open my eyes, all I would see is the mass of bruises that are all my fault.
And all the time I was worried about him, missing him. Why didnt I fucking go? Viggo would have gone with us if we'd asked, I know he would. Why did we let him walk out that door alone? Why weren't we here when he walked back in?
We were off having...fun...
I got up and vomited an hour ago. I've not eaten and all I could do was dry heave.
I feel so out of place here. Torn. Viggo is the protector, the strength, he's everything. He knows what to do and at least he can make some kind of difference. Me I'm selfish and useless. All I can do is hold him and love them and cry, and thats all as much for myself as anyone else.
I know I can't show this to him. I'll smile and pull on a mask of my own as best I can. I'll be warm for him.
But I feel so cold...